As an estranged daughter, I have to admit that I hear you Beth. Call parents cut me out of their lives after my divorce two years ago; in while I may not understand your experience, I to have experienced rejection from family members and the shame, humiliation, and judgment from others that follows.
The point that is missed here is that these dynamics are not a one size fits all or cookie cutters scenario. Every situation is different. But I especially appreciate about you Beth is your willingness and effort to assume generously about your daughter and her experience. You were also right when you pointed out how treacherous it is to join a support group under these circumstances because you never know the objectives or ultimate goals of those in your group, and the reality is unfortunately sometimes misery just loves company.
I’ll admit I don’t assume generously about my parents. My opinions are the result of years of experience firsthand with them in many different dynamics and circumstances; and I have every right to them. That being said it does not give me the right to offer unsolicited advice or criticism to estranged parents or even to fellow estranged adult children. There is suffering on both sides of this issue and you have equal rights to your experience and understanding. Well I may understand where my fellow estranged adult children any circumstances are coming from. I think we all need to realize when we’re projecting on somebody else’s mother believing we’re doing them a favor when in reality it has nothing to do with them, and everything to do with the feelings we are experiencing in those moments.