FAMILY ESTRANGEMENT IS A 1–2 PUNCH EXPERIENCE FOR CHILDREN AT ANY AGE.
Family estrangement comes with what I like to call a “double tap.” Not only is the reaction by others almost always visceral. The subject matter triggers a fear and shame in others so deep, it’s palpable. Paralyzed, they don’t hurt for me in those moments, they hurt for themselves. Their expression is one of deep regret and lament at the idea of being separated from their loved ones as they consider the level of depravity they would have to possess in order to meet that same fate. Then in an effort to make their world make sense, I’m dehumanized. Reduced to a 2D character who must have got it wrong along the way. They cannot tolerate my story, as it’s too painful for THEM to hear. What most fail to recognize is this traps anyone estranged by their family in the discomfort other’s seek to avoid. They’re stuck in a narrative already plagued with the pain of family disconnection, only to add insult to injury to adding public scrutiny. While the players and roads may be different, estrangement always comes down to one thing; an individual or groups inability to tolerate “otherness.” They cannot make space for differences in beliefs and values to the extent it must be removed from their environment. What accounts for “Otherness?” Take your pick…
Equally challenging is being an estranged adult daughter. With social odds never in my favor, it can be a never ending uphill climb. In a culture that fiercely protects the idea of a loving mother or family, the idea of deviation from this is too much for most. What makes this equally painful is the family’s capitalization on this belief, no explanation required on their part. I’ve already been found guilty. They’re free to recount stories as the long suffering parents of a difficult child, and met with sympathy and compassion for such a self deprecating journey.
I on the other hand, am met with immediate judgment and censure; the collective sentiment that allows this kind of abuse to continue. They don’t understand that being estranged from an entire family is terrifying in a myriad of ways. You live in constant fear; fear of the havoc your family can still create in your life with the road to it being paved by even the most well meaning of the uniformed. They don’t understand their silences or “forgiveness” is seen a permission to continue exploiting and abusing others. They don’t understand the agony of watching their loved ones either pile on or look the other way; excusing, dismissing, or denying what’s happened. Finally, they don’t understand that any success by an estranged family member is perceived as a threat, or personal attack on the the family. they may now seek neutralize. Families that estrange members aren’t doing so to wish them the best. They are reacting to a perceived threat to their way of life. They don’t want to understand, they want to destroy.
Yes, It has been a strange three year journey being estranged from my family of origin, but the silence gave me the peace I needed to reflect and understand how we got here. If I were a betting gal, I’d venture to say estrangement is common in maladaptive families like mine. It’s a world of “Play along or go away” and while I wasn’t the first, I certainly wont be the last. The addresses and phone numbers haven’t changed, but I know I wont hear from them and I know why; I became a trigger for their shame. I make it difficult for them to lie to themselves, or assert their engineered identities. They know I won’t go along to get along, and they know I wont cover for scheming and unkind behavior…and they resent me for it. While I’ve been unceremoniously rejected by them…from where I stand, it’s been for all the right reasons. Take care. Keep going, You’re doing fine.
