How One Maladaptive Family System Presents itself (Part 1)
***Disclaimer- I am not a licensed therapist or clinician. I’m just a human in the world and my opinions, observations, and speculations are for entertainment purposes only and under no circumstance should be considered a diagnosis or medical advice. ***
***The following story is a firsthand account of their experience growing up in what they believe to be a maladaptive (and likely narcissistic family system). Names have been changed for privacy reasons.
Shay’s divorce was awful. AWFUL. While terrible things happened in the marriage, hindsight made it difficult to discern what happened between them because the biggest revelation to come out of her divorce was recognizing her family’s maladaptive patterns of behavior.
You see, Shay grew up in what she believed was a healthy, happy, household. She came from a large close knit family who lived nearby, most worked for the family business run by her father. While things had always been off between her and her mother, but she was assured by the rest of the family that her mother was a kind, loving human being who was simply misunderstood. Desperate for their words to be true when her feelings and suspicion suggested otherwise; She set out to work harder to try and strengthen their relation ship. This also brought collective happiness and accolade among the rest of the family.
She tried everything to win her mother over; buying gifts, inviting her places and activities; all met with Luke warm reaction. So she tried harder. As a teen, she didn’t understand why her mother accused her of downloading virus’ on the family computer; especially when her mother was computer illiterate. Shay tried to explain what was happening, but her mother would have none of it. From now on the computer would be password protected and everyone but Shay would have it. Depressed and humiliated, she would have to ask permission from someone with the password to log in for her; including her younger brother. She protested, but her words fell on deaf ears, and she was scolded first for downloading a virus, then for the disrespect of challenging their behavior.
Shay’s father was also seen as a pillar of the community; kind, generous, funny. He and his family attended the same church with his in-laws and he was loved by all. She tried to get close to him too, without success. When they would spend time together, Shay would sit silently as her father described his good deeds done by himself, his wife, or both. When she asked why he never asked any questions about her life, he became enraged and threatened to cut off communications and future outings if she was going to make him feel guilty. She also tried to explain the difficulty connecting with her mother, hoping he would have some insight, or bridge the gap between them. Again, her words were met with rage. “I’m not talking about this and if you continue too, we are done here. You don’t know her like I know her so don’t bother telling me anything you wouldn’t want her to know because she and I tell each other everything. We don’t keep secrets.”
As Shay got older, her mothers resentment became more palpable. Valentine’s Day weekend; Nineteen year old Shay’s car was in the shop being serviced. She was told her mother would give her the ten mile ride to work that day. However, when Shay asked her mother, she flew into a rage. “What?! You’re going to spring this on me at the very last minute?! You know, I’ll help you out this time but you need to grow up and be responsible.” The car ride was silent and as they approached the entrance. Shay’s mother instead pulled into the bus stop on the main thoroughfare. “What time do you get off?”, she hissed. “It’s a four hour shift, so 4pm.” “Ok,” her mother replied. 4 o’clock rolled around and Shay’s mother was nowhere to be found. Thirty minutes and a unsuccessful attempt to reach her mother, turned into an hour and a half another unsuccessful attempt to contact her mother, father, brother, uncle, and aunt. It was now 6pm. Shay managed ahold of her grandparents for a ride. Fearing the worst, she tried once las time and finally got ahold of her mother. “Hello?” Her mother said lightly. Frantic, Shay burst into tears “Mom? Where have you been? I’ve been sitting here for the last two hours waiting for you. I’ve been sitting here terrified, thinking thought you’d hurt in car accident or even killed. “Shay, she said with annoyance, “I’m fine. Your father and I are celebrating Valentine’s day early, and anyway I never said I would pick you up!” “But, you asked me what time I was off?” Shay sobbed. “Yeah? I was just curious. Take the bus.” and with that she hung up. Once home her Grandparents anger and protests toward Shay’s mother and her behavior fell on deaf ears. “You don’t understand, Dad, Shay is a master manipulator. She always twists the facts. You’re getting caught up in her lies.” Defeated, Shay went straight to bed. No further discussion on the topic ever took place.
Shay had been born with a disability; resulting in a minor impact on her mobility and she walked with a slight limp. Her mother had always been on her about it “Shay, I think you’re doing this on purpose. I know if you just tried hard enough, you could walk normal.” Her father and brother called her “Catsup” and deliberately walk faster, forcing her to double the pace to keep up. Shay had no clue what they were talking about. In her mind she walked like everyone else. It wasn’t until she was twelve and approached her mother asking “The kids at school keep telling me I walk funny, but I don’t know what they are talking about” was she taken to a specialist who diagnosed her with cerebral palsy; those words never to be mentioned again by anyone in the family. Any hint at it resulted in shame and rage “You’re not doing yourself any favors by making the family uncomfortable talking about that stuff,” or, “Oh please, you’re not disabled. Stop. It.” When it came time for a now twenty five year old Shay to have surgery that would render her immobile for at least two weeks, Shay’s parents made plans to go on vacation during that time.
Homelife aside, Shay’s career was flourishing. She was often promoted, and well liked by her Boss and colleague. But she started to notice a shift in her family’s behavior. The more successful she became, the less they engaged, or asked about her life. She eventually got a huge promotion requiring her to move cross country. Training in the new position was tough, but phone calls home weren’t much better. “Dad, This job is far more challenging than I thought.” “Ugh” her father snarled, “well what do you want me to do about it? Call you every day?” “Well twice a day would be preferred but I’ll take once”, Shay said trying to cut the tension. “No. You don’t need your family, you need to figure it out on your own and you will be stronger for it!” With that, he hung up. She wouldn’t hear from him for the next four months, and the interactions wouldn’t get any better.
************************To be Continued.*************************
