Narcissistic Anger; Understanding You’re Not Unlovable, You’re Less Exploitable

I’ll never forget the day I confronted my narcissist in a way that changed my life. I was financially and geographically independent. The power and leverage he had now seemed a distant memory. He wavered between stone walling, and posturing himself as if nothing changed in what I can only imagine was his hope I’d buy into his gaslighting, forget I have a choice, and fall back into party lines. His words were fiery, their resonance like burning embers; starting little fires all around us. But I was prepared this time.

This wasn’t the first time we founds ourselves in conflict. I didn’t see it at the time, but in hindsight the more professional success I enjoyed, the more our relationship deteriorated. His attitude became increasingly critical or dismissive, his disdain palpable. At first I was heartbroken and tried desperately to fix what ever it was I had done to fall out of his favor until one day, it finally clicked: It was not that I was unloveable…it was that I was not as exploitable. I asked questions. I pushed back. I became far less reliant on him, and I suspect losing the control he had over me and my life was threatening to him and the world he had engineered for himself. My “Ah Ha!” Moment felt like being unplugged by the matrix. My enlightenment was rapidly replace with the flooding of decades of repressed anger and frustration at being threatened and coerced into silence with the expectation that I should abandon myself to protect him and his cronies, and take responsibility for their behavior; a practice likely not uncommon for anyone who grew up in an emotionally neglectful or abusive household.

I started to notice the redundancy in his words; Rage (to startle), followed by shame, blame, humiliate, triangulate, manipulate, gas lighting, and I learn to respond in kind; calling him out on all the shortcomings he gave himself a pass, while shaming and criticizing other. I was always witty, and I could turn a phrase and drive my point home like A-Rod. But As time went on, I noticed he never changed Like clockwork I’d watch him apply this losing formula; Rage, shame, blame, humiliate (if able), triangulate, and manipulate. The satisfaction of holding him accountable was short lived in the bigger picture; By engaging him, I was participating in my own pain. What I observed in my experience is that people with narcissist tendencies are trying to illicit a response from those around them to self regulate, and help their world make sense. They reinforce their beliefs about themselves and others by setting out to entice a deliberate response from others. When desired response or behavior is achieved, they’ve created justification for themselves as to why their behavior and beliefs are acceptable, and the responsibility of change falls on those around them.

One by one, he fired off his criticisms and accusations, but this time I didn’t respond in kind. I stayed calm (even though I was terrified). One by one, my one sentence responses were like a fire hose. “Interesting you see it that way.” “I’m not sure how to respond to that” “Opinions make the world go round.” My lack of rage escalated his response, but I was prepared. I checked out with the understanding his only goal in spewing his venom was nothing more than my reaction…and I was not going to acquiesce.

I think understanding interactions and dynamics with those who exhibit narcissistic tendencies are both misunderstood and poorly framed in society. Working through and healing from the pain of difficult relationships is an entirely separate beast from interacting with them, and not working through the former will make the latter all but impossible. One could even make the argument that my bringing him up at all would suggest there is still some enmeshment present. (And you’d have a case) My point is; give yourself the same care and consideration you give others. It’s easy to lose sight of this concept when you’ve grown up abandoning yourself to survive, and that ideology, belief, and practice is the best starting point in reclaiming yourself and your identity. Remember- IT’S NOT THAT YOU’RE UNLOVEABLE, YOU’RE LESS EXPLOITABLE…and it’s the maladaptive people in our lives who find that offensive.