Survivors Of Narcissistic Abuse Have Every Right to Be Angry & Don’t Owe Anyone Their Forgiveness
*Disclaimer- I am not a licensed health care provider, just a person on lifes journey with opinions. My articles are for entertainment purposes only, and should not be taken as medical advice.
Anyone would be angry if they were mistreated, taken advantage of, exploited. Anger is a defense mechanism put in place to protect/defend ourselves and sense of self. With so much pressure in todays society to conform to what some consider a practice of toxic positivity, focusing on ‘negative emotions’ rather than their origin is the gateway to victim blaming and perpetuating the cycle of abuse.
Here’s where things get tricky. Anger is a protective measure that works to both stop the source of distress, and prevent us from the most damaging piece; further harm of internalizing harmful ideas and beliefs we’ve been persuaded to believe about ourselves by these toxic people. This I believe, lends it self to the thinking trap of “As long as I’m angry, what they’ve said and done is wrong and to forgive tells the world what they did doesn’t matter.”
If the narcissist in your life is a friend or family member, chances are they couldn’t behave this way without help. Their behavior requires a cast of characters willing to either look the other way or justify their behavior. They do this for a myriad of reasons, primarily because they don’t want to be uncomfortable and believe you’re kindness and compassion makes you easier to manipulate. They also understand to some degree the behavior their defending is inexcusable so to move you away from logic and reason, they focus on your anger. It stops being about someone’s inappropriate behavior and lack of integrity, and shifts to highlighting the understandable reaction to that treatment. They tell you anger is like taking poison and expecting someone else to suffer. They’re not interested in understanding you, and spin any objection you make in your defense. They’ll try and sell you on the idea anger is unreasonable and immature in a world where mature people forgive, and lack of forgiveness on your part suggests your behavior is childish and unreasonable. (Sneaky, right?)
Anger is no doubt a complex emotion and in some cases an easy distraction for anyone who’s already experiencing trauma. Highlighting feelings over reason is gaslighting, and through passive aggressive remarks, accusations, and pressure they are attempting to sell you on the taking responsibility for someone else behavior toward you; essentially saying-
“Your reaction to the way you have been treated is so inappropriate and offensive that no one cares to hear about it, and the only way back into our good graces is to forgive and never bring things like this up again.”
When what they’re ACTUALLY saying is-
“I(we) don’t have the means, courage, self worth, or where with all to hold this toxic person accountable for their behavior, and now I(we) find your strength, and sense of self is threatening as it only deepens my(our) sense of shame and worthlessness at the lack of action on my(our) part. So now it’s important and more comfortable for us to silence you.”
Healthy anger, is a natural part of life. There will always people in life who try and police the feelings of others, and when that happens it’s important to take a step back to consider their interest in dictating what is not theirs. The line between help and control can be thinner than you think.
